One of the things that always comes up in my holiday self-care workshops is navigating tough relationships. Whether you’re missing a loved one who’s gone to the other side, stressing about arguments that can arise over Christmas dinner, going through a breakup, or worrying about disappointing a child (or parent or spouse or…), the holidays can highlight relationship difficulties. It’s easy to feel sad when so much of the media around you is saying you should be living the perfect life of happiness with your loved ones at the holidays, and you’re not.

Here’s the thing. Relationship challenges aren't just inconvenient. Relationships are a key component of your health and wellbeing, and there are all kinds of studies and statistics to back it up. A lack of strong relationships can increase the risk of premature death from all causes by up to 50%, according to Harvard Women’s Health Watch. Women who felt depressed in strained marriages are at higher risk of heart disease and other illnesses, according to a study by researchers at the University of Utah. Conversely, married patients are more than three times more likely to survive the first three months after heart surgery than unmarried patients, according to researchers at Emory and Rutgers universities.

Your body won’t let you ignore problems in your relationships, as tempting as it might be. Your body never lies, and when you avoid an emotional concern long enough, it will show up in your physical body.

Part of the problem is that challenges in your relationships can not only cause stress, they can distract you from the things that help you feel better, like your yoga and wellbeing practices. You might be so preoccupied that you push yourself too far and get hurt in a pose. Or maybe while you lay in Savasana (Corpse Pose), you keep thinking about what you should have said during that heated debate. Or when you close your eyes to meditate, you might write and re-write in your mind a scathing e-mail rebuttal to your colleague. Or maybe when you try to sleep, you can’t stop thinking about someone you’re missing.

Here’s the fantastic news.

Yoga provides so many ways to learn and grow on your mat and in your life, and relationships are an integral part of this journey. You can use your practice to work through those tough interactions.

It’s no wonder then that the first of the Eight Limbs of Yoga is focused on how you operate within society. (Check out my previous post on the Eight Limbs here.)

The five Yama (Restraints) help you lessen the distractions of problems in your relationships so that you can deepen your practice.

Ahimsa (Non-Violence or Peace) helps you choose when to be kind instead of fighting to win that non-winnable argument with your political conspiracy theorist uncle over Christmas dinner.
Satya (Truth) teaches you that even if you don’t agree with that uncle, you can accept that he has his truth and you have yours.
Asteya (Abundance or Non-Stealing) helps you realize that there is an abundance of room for each of you to hold your truths and live your lives, despite the differences in your thinking.
Brahmacharya (Continence or Moderation) teaches you to stop leaking your life force energy by getting wrapped up in his arguments and drama. Instead, you can choose what you want to do about it, such as setting boundaries around topics of conversation and how much you want to interact.
Aparigraha (Self-Reliance or Non-Jealousy) helps you let go of any jealousy that might arise from the attention that uncle is getting by making so much noise. It teaches that you don’t need the approval of others to be sure of yourself and your own beliefs. You don’t need to persuade others to agree with you or try to keep up with anyone. You and your beliefs are enough.

Another one of my favorite relationship tools from the ancient texts is Yoga Sutra 1.33.

“Through cultivation of friendliness, compassion, joy, and indifference to pleasure or pain, virtue and vice respectively, the consciousness becomes favorably disposed, serene, and benevolent.” Yoga Sutra 1.33

In other words, approaching your interactions with others in this way can empower you and keep you calm. It’s the first of several ways that this text lists for cultivating single-minded effort, or meditation.

So, despite the differences in opinion, can you find a way to be friendly towards this “uncle,” or whoever it is that’s challenging to be with this holiday season? Is there room in your heart to show compassion towards this person, who probably is acting out from a place of pain? Can you be joyful for your own reasons even in their presence? Can you own your power by remaining indifferent to their shenanigans?

Now, I’m not a mental health care provider, so what I’m offering here is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Please don't be indifferent to abuse. If you're in a dangerous situation, please get the help you need.

My hope is that this ancient wisdom can help you survive the holidays, and maybe even come out of them calmer, more centered, confident, strong, and peaceful than you went into them.

Whether you simply show up better for the ones you love because you feel great after taking a posture class or you decide to dive more deeply into the philosophy to deal with conflict and heal your relationships, yoga offers tools to help you take a kinder, healthier approach in service to your practice and your purpose in life. Because all I really want for Christmas is for you to feel joyful, healthy, and inspired!

Speak Your Truth

What relationship challenges do you face at the holidays? How do you manage those difficult interactions with others during the season? How has yoga helped you in your relationships? Reply in the comments below and let me know! It will make my day!

In wellness, joy, and light,

Tami